wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
