Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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