Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
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I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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