Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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