Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
