i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
