I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i think my cat just said my name.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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