i think my mom watched the whole time
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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