The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
