My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
