please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
