Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
