I think I won the penis lottery.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
