can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
