I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
