I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
