I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
