Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
