she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
