So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
