I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
