i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
