Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
this is an emotional support booty call
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
