3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
