naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
