He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
