she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
