Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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