My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did you pee in the oven last night??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
