i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
