Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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