I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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