Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
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She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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