allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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