We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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