Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I supernannyed him into submission
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
