I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm too high and old for this...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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