the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
