I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
