community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
