I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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