just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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