He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
