i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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