Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
