i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
