Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
