You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I bet he comes in French.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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