Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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