Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
where are my eyebrows?
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