I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
