Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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