you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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