I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
