So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
