also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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