We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
