all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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