I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
