some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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