On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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