I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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